Bowling Alley Bob
A.K.A. - The One Who
Started It All
Bowling Alley Bob is remembered for being the first stalker in the history
of Katry and L-squared. He was first sighted at the Bowling Alley/Restaurant called 'Pins', located near the cabin we were
staying at in the summer of...um...that one year.
It seemed peaceful. The cabin overlooked a festering trout pond full
of green bubble creatures named Finule and a submerged Christmas tree. And there were bears who liked to chase us. No wait,
we were chasing them. Anywho...
This "Bob" character, better known as Steve, unless that was secretly
not his name, stood staring at us the entire time we were bowling, and breaking all the equipment, but...yeah. We left soon
after, thoroughly creeped out, and decided to take a relaxing swim in the pool of dead moths. Yum.
We soon noticed something...peculiar. There was Bowling Alley Bob! He was
sitting there, flirting with girls our age in his REPAIR SUIT. Goodness.
Bookstore Bill
A.K.A.- The One Who Was Too Cheery
Bookstore Bill was first sighted at the Walden's Bookstore
at Somerset Mall by Katry and L2.
We proceeded to browse the selection of books until L finally
found a book she cared to purchase. We made our way to the register, where a kind looking young man completed the transaction.
As we were leaving, he said goodbye using the phrase, "YOU
have a terrific day!", quite enthusiastically, whereas, he had told everyone else to just have a 'good day'. It was scary.
Was he just bored? Felt like scarring a few teenage girls
for life? Or was he a serial killer posing as a cashier at Walden Books so he'd just look like a "normal guy"? I suppose we'll
never find out...
Pointy-Finger Paul
A.K.A.- The Guy From 'Grease'
Pointy-Finger Paul made his first and final appearance in the Seaholm
auditorium, where our humble eighth grade class was having a field trip three years ago. He was sighted by a number of witnesses:
L2, Katry, Biscuit, and J (in her final year as one of us public school kids).
We had taken a field trip (Goodness, I miss those) to see 'Bits of Broadway'
performed by, who at the time, were the current High Schoolers. As the piece 'Greased Lightning' began, and 'Danny Zukko'
(a.k.a. Paul) did the part of the routine where he points across the stage, his eyes never left where we were sitting.
Stalker? Definitely.
Biker Boy Bort
A.K.A. The Boy Who Was Showing Off
This stalker was first noticed at that street in Biscuit's neighborhood
where we were riding our bikes downtown. He was seen only by L and K.
As we rode our bikes innocently enough down the street, he rode past
us. Noticing us, he daringly removed his hands from the bike handles to *gasp* run his hand through his hair, as he was not
wearing a helmet. Shame on you, Bort. Bort is unusual -- not only because we named him Bort -- but also because he is the
first stalker that WE decided to stalk.
We followed the boy, who was approximately a year or two younger than
we, down the street. Unfortunately, we lost him after about fifteen seconds. But, if my memory serves me right, we later saw
him at the Dairy Mat.
Acceletron Al
A.K.A. The One Who May Be A True Mutant
This stalker was first sighted at Superhero Island at Islands of Adventure
in Florida, by L (and her family).
As L boarded the 'Storm Force Acceletron', she heard the man who was
working the ride say, "All humans into your pods". Yes, really. By this simple phrase, L was able to decipher that this man
truly was a stalker.
Quasi
A.K.A.- The One Who Really Is A Stalker
Quasi. I don't know where to begin. It all began freshman year. I do
not want to divulge too much information about this stalker cloaked in mystery.
Let me begin by saying he is no stalker of ours, but one of a more...Chanadian
friend of ours. Yes, Biscuit. Quasi was Biscuit's hubie for about a week at the beginning of HER freshman year. (Yes,
Quasi is not only really freaky but also two years older than her.) She then decided that he was not good, but in fact
disturbingly creepy. But this was only the beginning.
Ever since their first words to each other sometime in freshman year,
approximately one year ago, Quasi has been Biscuit's uber-stalker.
Quasi has repeatedly waited for Biscuit in the hall, despite her obvious
efforts to stall, called her house numerous times, asked her out about three or four times, asked her to Homecoming, all despite
her repeated "I hate you"s and "Go away"s.
Our sources tell us that Quasi has finally figured out that Biscuit does
not like him but, in fact, DOES hate him. We hope, for the sake of our good friend Biscuit, that the stalkage has come to
an end.
Stalker Update!
It has come to our attention that Biscuit wrote a long and rather sappy apology to
Quasi in his yearbook, feeling guilty for her cruel expressions of hatred toward him. Thinking she would never see him again,
she explained that she was only mean to him because she didn't like him "like that" and made up excuses because she didn't
want to go out with him.
Quasi turned bright red as he read this, and later exited the room.
In an online conversation several days later, Quasi told Biscuit that he never liked
her. (Right...sure...) If this was the truth, why did he ask her out so many times? Why did he put his arm around her when
his arm was unwelcome? Why did he ask her to go to Homecoming with him? The evidence speaks for itself. Quasi is and forever
will be a stalker. Good thing he already graduated and we'll never have to see him again. Or will we?
Bahama Breeze Brandt
A.K.A. the one with the weird name who lurks
The gang was enjoying a tropical-themed dinner at Bahama Breeze in celebration of
K's birthday and getting her license. All was going well: leis were worn, jerk was eaten, and Biscuit was late as usual. But
alas, the waiter--ominously named 'Brandt'--continually appeared without a sound, and with him brought an eery silence. A
silence you could cut with a knife--which, was readily available since they were at a restaurant. Was Brandt just shy? Possibly.
Mute? Doubtful. Utterly, utterly, creepy? Most definitely. And of course there still is the matter of that strange man who
would not stop looking over at L2 and Bagel Woo...
